Finally we’ve finished the Boundaries study in our SMORE Class @ Calder. We have spent over a year and a half addressing each chapter in-depth. In the closing chapter Cloud and Townsend give eleven steps to measure your success with boundaries. I will paraphrase, including my personal thoughts, the ways you can know you are succeeding in setting boundaries.   There is no quick fix when establishing healthy boundaries in your life. Patience with yourself and others is required. Each of the steps could be a lifelong struggle for you. Take your time and be gentle with yourself.

Step #1: Resentment is an early sign that your boundary is being violated. If you find that you are complying to others and resenting it afterwards, it’s likely someone is overstepping one of your boundaries. It is said that, “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” If you do something for someone, expecting them to return the favor, and when they don’t you get upset, think before doing it again. You have a choice not to allow others to use you.

Step #2: Another sign you are getting healthy is that you are drawn to other boundary-lovers. You no longer feel comfortable with boundary abusers. You’ve changed who you hang around with and you now have friends who respect your boundaries.

Step #3: You have a family or community of friends with whom you associate who are supportive and trustworthy. They respect you. You can continue to learn to set boundaries in this safe place.

Step #4: Now you take responsibility for yourself. You realize that the problems and issues of other adults is not your responsibility. You treasure and respect yourself. You treat yourself like the treasure that you are in God’s sight.

Step #5: As you continue to grow in boundary setting you practice by slowly setting more boundaries with safe people.

Step #6: Sometimes you feel guilty when you’ve set a new boundary. This is a sign you are getting healthier. Rejoice in the guilt. This indicates that you are growing stronger as a boundaried person.

Step #7: Some situations are serious, grown-up, issues and require “Grown-up No’s.” There are times when you must detach and establish a boundary for protection. It may be emotional or physical protection. Never hesitate when you know this is the case. If it seems impossible get the help you need from a woman’s shelter or counselor. When you can’t do this alone ask someone to help you.

Step #8: Someday you will notice a difference. You no longer feel guilty after setting a boundary. You are comfortable with your “No.” Even when the other person resists your boundary, you don’t flinch.

Step #9: In the process you have also developed a healthy respect for the boundaries of others. You will have a genuine love for them. You will have empathy for them. And you will not feel a need to change them.

Step #10: When you are unsure you do not say, “Yes.” You have the freedom to think about it or consider it and get back to them. You do not have a sense of urgency or that you must say “Yes” in order to please or keep the peace.

Step #11: Now you are in control of your own choices. You are free to “protect, nurture, and develop the life God has given you stewardship over.”

For more about Boundaries

There are numerous other “Boundaries” posts on this site. Search and read.

I’ve held many sorts of jobs and gone through challenges of finding a job in the right place at the right time. Here are a few thoughts on the subject. – Gail 

I’ve been on a job hunt several times, mostly as a single mother. After divorced I attempted to find a position as a high school theatre teacher since that was what I held a degree in and was my first love.

At one interview a school administrator pointedly asked, “How can you manage this position with all the evening rehearsals and weekend contests as a single mom with children?” This probably wasn’t a legal question but was one I needed to consider. How would I juggle directing plays at school and children at home?

It was a wake-up call. Though my mother was determined to stand by me and assist in any way she could, I wasn’t being realistic.

A school principal in my hometown advised me that to be the most employable educator in the future I needed additional certifications. The more subjects I could teach the more job security I would have.

As I rounded this turning point I saw that I would have to change my approach.

Be open to a change in your approach.

I was able to attend classes at Lamar University where I received by bachelor’s degree for two summer semesters and earn a teaching certificate in English.  My high school theatre teacher recommended me for a job in a district forty-five minutes away and I accepted it. Teaching high school English wasn’t a dream job, far from it. Employment, however, was a necessity. I’ve heard it said, when a dream collides with reality, reality seldom falls to its knees.

When you are looking for a job be open to jobs, not dream jobs, but jobs you can do.

Letting go of what we think of as our occupation is difficult. So often it is our identity. There are usually job openings, though maybe not in fields we can see ourselves.

Be open to learning something new.

Our workforce is always shifting. New ways of living produce new ways of doing things, new jobs. We find ourselves with inertia. Change is the single thing we resist more than anything else. It would be so much easier to do what we are accustomed to doing, the familiar. Change happens, however, and those who are willing adjust and move forward.

After I taught for a few years I realized my salary would not significantly increase unless I had a master’s degree. Even then it wouldn’t make a big difference. The idea of challenging myself provided me with a sense of adventure and I could justify it with the increase in salary over many years and into retirement. Who knew? Maybe it would lead to another career. I jumped through the hoops required to attend The University of Texas and created worthwhile memories for me and my children in the process. (Related Story)

Be open to the adventure obstacles provide.

Resistance to Boundaries

Resistance is painful. We know we should, but . . .

• It will mean war.
• It will mean anger.
• It will mean silent treatment.
• It will mean being rejected.

During the time my ex-husband and I were separated he was starting a new business, Novrosky’s, with his “testimonial” office assistant. I was mothering three young children and managing our home. One day I went to the location where they were working. The children were in the car with me. In the parking lot I was attempting to have a reasonable conversation with him as he stood outside the window next to the car. I said something that suggested a boundary issue. If I raised my voice a decibel, I don’t recall. He reacted as if I were screaming and condescendingly said, “Don’t do this in front of the children,” completely turning the situation onto me. I didn’t fully realize at the time what had happened.

So often the intimidator will make the one setting a boundary appear as if they are the one who is being unreasonable.

As our situation progressed I would get physically ill every time he came to pick up the children for his visitation. Just seeing him made me nauseous. I made a bold move to set a boundary for myself. I asked a friend to be at the house when he arrived. She was more than happy to do this. He came at the pointed time and when he realized I was not coming to greet him he became angry. These are both examples of external boundaries. They are easier to identify than the “inside resistance, the resistance we get from ourselves.”¹

Be prepared for the controller to resist when you set a boundary.

Cloud and Townsend make several points about angry reactions.

1. The angry person is the one with the problem.
2. Anger is only a feeling inside the other person.
3. Do not let their anger be a cue for you to do something. There is great power in inactivity.  (Italics are mine.)
4. Have a support system and a plan in place.
5. Do not allow the angry person to get you angry.
6. Be prepared to use physical distance and other limits that enforce consequences.²

All of this involves risk. Sometimes risk is necessary in dealing with angry people.

Other types of external resistance include:

1. Guilt-people with poor boundaries will receive guilt messages which are directed towards them. Tips for dealing with external messages:
   1. Recognize guilt messages.
   2. Guilt messages are really anger in disguise.
   3. Guilt messages hide sadness and hurt.
   4. If guilt works on you, recognize that this is your problem and not theirs.
   5. Do not explain or justify.
   6. Be assertive and interpret their messages as being about their feelings.
2. Consequences and countermoves-controlling people, sometimes parents of grown children, may use this way of resisting boundaries.

A. First consider what you will lose versus what you may gain. My thoughts: This may mean a serious breech within your immediate family. Be prepared.

• Decide if you are willing to risk the loss.
• Be diligent about making up for what you have (or may) lost.
• Do it. Go through with your plans.
• Realize that the hard part is just beginning.

3. Physical resistance, Pain of Others, Blamers, Real needs, Forgiveness and reconciliation. I cannot fully address the material in the book here. Just know that there may be resistance that involves physical abuse, personal pain of those you love, people who will place all the blame on you. And realize that forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Forgiveness involves one person; reconciliation requires two.

Resistance is used to create strength and muscle when we workout. It should not be surprising that it is through resistance that we grow stronger spiritually.

In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the World.  – John 16:33 Msg.

Notes

1. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Boundaries (Zondervan 1992), 246.
2. Ibid. 247-249.

For more about Boundaries

To order Boundaries  

Some previous posts on Setting Boundaries on this site:

How to Set Boundaries

Boundaries With Nasty People

Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children

Hello to all,

If you are one of the many who read this blog, please send us your thoughts. Let us know which topics you like or don’t relate to. Let us know what being a single mother is like for you in your world. We are eager to hear from you.

Truly,

Gail

One of the SMORE themes is Bonding with Family Fun which sounds easier than it is, especially for the single mother. This article isn’t written for single moms but has some good ideas none the less. -Gail

By Jennie Kakkad

Sunday, May 27th, we will complete our Boundaries study with “How to Measure Success with Boundaries.”

It is my sincere hope that we have all succeeded in identifying our need for boundaries and learned ways to incorporate healthy boundaries in our lives.

June 3rd we will begin a new book by Janet Davis (formerly from Beaumont), My Own Worst Enemy, how to stop holding yourself back.

You know you could do great things if you just stopped getting in your own way. But most days, self-doubt, fear, and the seductive whispers of insecurity have you second-guessing yourself–before you’ve even started.

For more about Janet Davis click HERE.

Glenn Grothman, the Wisconsin State Senator who would have us believe that nonmarital parenthood is a contributing factor to child abuse and neglect should take a deeper look at the issues. He purports that government programs are encouraging women to have babies. The one who is causing women, especially very young women to become pregnant out of wedlock, isn’t Uncle Sam.

Single mothers, many with no fathers present, deserve credit for raising productive, successful, and well-adjusted members of society. Examples include presidents: George Washington, one of five children, whose father died when he was eleven, Thomas Jefferson lost his father when he was fourteen, and Andrew Jackson lost his father three weeks before he was born. President Obama’s father left his mother. Though he was raised mostly by his grandparents, his biological father was absent. Other successful people raised by single moms include:  Bill Cosby, Michael Phelps, Lance Armstrong, Ed Bradley, Angela Bassett, Halle Berry, Mary J. Blige, Mariah Carey, Jodie Foster, Ashley and Winona Judd, Hillary Swank, Maya Angelou, and Alicia Keys. Ben Carson, Sr., M.D., a Yale graduate, is a pediatric neurosurgeon who was raised in poverty by a single mother. He received the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 2008.

Closer to home David Dewhurst, Lieutenant Governor of Texas, and his brothers were raised by a single mom, after their father died in an auto accident when he was three years old. Jeff Branick, Jefferson County Judge, the youngest of five children, was raised by a single mother who worked full-time and sometimes held multiple jobs. He says, “I am convinced that, had it not been for the faith she had in me as a teenager I might very well have ended up on the wrong side of the criminal justice system. She is a woman who is full of grace and devotion to family and I am ever thankful for having her as my mom.”  Debbie Bando, the owner of Bando’s, credits here mother, Marie, with sacrificing and dedicating her entire life to raising her and her two younger siblings after their father was killed in an auto accident when Debbie was thirteen years old. “Mom didn’t miss a beat. She was involved in our school activities, worked hard, and taught us how to work as well.  She did everything possible to make sure her children’s needs were met.”

If you still need evidence look around. There are single mothers everywhere, committed every single day to raising strong and productive children.

Statistics, as they are usually reported, paint a grim picture. And the ones sited for children from single parents homes are no exception. We should always be concerned about the welfare of children. However, the persons inflicting abuse should be the targets.  We ought not accuse the single mothers. For a refreshing change, let’s look at the whole picture—the canvas on which the picture is painted. Why not look at some other statistics?

I’d like to see statistics brought to our attention, which could tell us the percentage of:

• Young women who so craved love that they gave in to the first boy who said, “I love you, darling.” interpreted as “You’re so hot!”
• Young women who believed their lovers were going to stay with them forever.
• Young men who actually did.
• Women who work two or more jobs to support their children.
• Fathers who don’t pay child support when they are perfectly capable of doing so.
• Men who refuse jobs that would garnish their wages to clothe and feed the children they fathered.
• Monies the United States government could save if these fathers all paid their fair share.

Imagine that-all fathers paying child support. Wouldn’t that make for at least a better Mother’s Day for the over 10 million moms who are head of households in the U.S. today?

For more of Gail’s articles go to HER SITE. 

By Lynn Marie Sager

Did you know that some horses will follow you for a carrot, while other horses won’t budge unless you whack them with a stick? Well, people are also motivated by either carrots, or sticks. Some people move towards goals. Other people move away from consequences.

Psychologists have identified four distinct personality types: Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Melancholic and Choleric. Everyone leans towards one of these types. If you learn to understand what excites, motivates, irritates and frustrates these different personality types, you’ll be well on your way to understanding why certain people frustrate you more than others.

Sanguine and Choleric personalities tend to be fast-paced and impulsive. If you dangle a carrot in front of them, they’ll probably jump at the carrot. On the other hand, Phlegmatic and Melancholic personalities tend to be slower-paced and indecisive. To get them into gear, you sometimes have to show them the sticky consequences of not taking a risk.

“Carrot” people go to the dentist because they want white teeth. “Stick” people go to the dentist because they don’t want cavities. “Carrot” people try new things because they want to get ahead and be in the know. “Stick” people try new things because they don’t want to fall behind, or mess things up.

Can you see the difference?

Here’s another personality trait that you should consider. Melancholic and Choleric personalities tend to be internally validated. In other words, they carry inside themselves a strong sense of their own opinions and their own sense of right. If you give Cholerics too much feedback, they’ll ask you to mind your own business. If you give Melancholics illogical feedback, they’ll throw their hands up in frustration.

In contrast, Sanguine and Phlegmatic personalities tend to be externally validated. Meaning, they need people to validate them, and they only thrive when others support them. In fact, they often value your opinion more than they value their own. If you don’t give a Sanguine enough feedback, you’ll likely be tracked down and asked what you think; while Phlegmatics can’t make a decision without considering how everyone around them is affected by the decision.

Basically, Melancholic and Choleric personalities tend to make decisions based upon what they think, want, or need; while Phlegmatic and Sanguine personalities tend to make decisions based upon what others think, want, or need. That being the case, whenever you want to present a solution, opinion, or idea to someone, you should probably consider that person’s personality type because unless your solution motivates his or her type, you’re wasting your time and confusing the issue.

Whatever personality type you’re dealing with, you make your most effective and persuasive presentations when you show each type how they can get what they want by agreeing to work with you…

From A River Worth Riding: Fourteen Rules for Navigating Life, by Lynn Marie Sager Copyright 2005

You can find more about this topic on Navigating Life’s website, including the two questions you need to answer in order to determine a person’s personality type. Simply go to http://www.navigatinglife.org, and visit the Galley for links to our full articles on persuasion, personality, and communication.

Lynn Marie Sager has toured over two-dozen countries and worked on three continents. Author of A River Worth Riding: Fourteen Rules for Navigating Life, Lynn currently lives in California; where she fills her time with private coaching, public speaking, and teaching for the LACCD and Pierce College. She runs the Navigating Life website, where she offers free assistance to readers who wish to incorporate the rules of worthwhile living into their lives. To read more about how you can use these rules to improve your life, visit Lynn’s website at http://www.navigatinglife.org

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lynn_Marie_Sager

2. I just posted another FREE Seek Packet booklet on the SMORE website. CLICK HERE

Visit our site and send your friends. We love, love, love hearing from single moms.

~Gail, a Tuff Ole Bird with compassionate heart for single moms